As I’m writing this it’s January 5th, and I feel like I’m having a mental breakdown in my life structure. Mood is currently overwhelmed. And sad. Really, really sad. I don’t know how this happened. I feel like ever since my mom died everything took a turn for the worse.
On the outside everything looks great. People think everything is perfect. Literally. But on the inside we’re all struggling, and it’s tearing our faith apart. How do you find the strength to be the strong one when you feel like you’re drowning inside?
Remember, you’re not the only one who hurts.
Here’s the thing. Shit happens. All the time. To everyone. Some days are better than others. Some years are hard to remember because we so badly want to forget. 2016 is that year for me. I tried so hard to be strong. But the harder I tried, the more I felt like breaking.
Many times I just want to cry. I want to sob into my pillow until I can taste the salt from my tears. I’m hurting, and there’s a million reasons why but I can’t figure out where to begin.
Depression is not just being depressed. It’s not knowing how to do the things that everyone else can do without having to think about it. Anxiety is not just being anxious. It’s having to think everything through a million times before actually being able to do it. Little things–like eating and getting dressed–which seem like trivial feats.
Sometimes people need help, but they don’t know how to ask for it. I don’t think the asking part has ever been my problem–It’s admitting that I need the help in the first place.
Asking for help is not admitting that you are weak.
In fact, it’s exactly the opposite. When you ask for help, you’re not only showing that you’re strong enough to admit that you’re struggling, but you’re taking the next step and going forth with action.
Half the battle of depression is accepting that you have it. The next step is learning how to get up in the morning, how to get in the car, go to work, buy the groceries, pay the bills… how to care for someone else when you’re not even sure how to care for yourself.
Depression and anxiety never really go away.
Recovery is eternal. There are times when it will affect you more than others.
I was first diagnosed with Depression in 2004 when I was 14 and in the midst of my struggle with Anorexia. I was given medication. First Zoloft. I hated Zoloft because I had heard that it made people gain weight. So in 2005 I made them change my prescription to Wellbutrin, which had the opposite affect of making people lose weight. I didn’t lose weight, and my depression actually got worse. I was put on Cymbalta in 2006, and it was at this time that I remember having my first real gut-wrenching laugh. The kind that makes your stomach hurt and takes your breath away. Unfortunately my insurance wouldn’t cover the cost. So in 2007 I was switched again. This time to good ol’ Prozac.
Prozac worked for me. Until I weaned myself off (unintentionally) when we moved to Florida. I ran out of my prescription and didn’t have insurance, so I did what you should never do and stopped taking the meds.
It’s OK to be on medication.
From 2011 to 2013 I was unmedicated and honestly, I did well without them for that time. Until we moved back home.
After staying home with Zoey for the first year, our finances were slim to none. We made the difficult decision to move back to Minnesota so that we would have more support from our family.
I think my depression and anxiety manifested itself this particular time as a combination of feeling like I was useless for not working, and not really knowing how to get back into the working life.
After talking with my doctor, he put me back on Prozac, and I’ve been taking it ever since. Proudly, because I’d rather be medicated than bat shit crazy.
It affects the people close to you just as much as yourself.
You may think your depression is only hurting you. You’re wrong. It affects every single person in your life, especially the ones closest to you.
It’s easy to take things out on the people you see every day. Most of the time we do it without even realizing what we’re doing. Be honest with yourself. If you’re having a rough day, tell them. They’ll appreciate the forewarning and might actually be able to sit down and talk you through it.
Don’t push people away. You need them, so let them know. It’s all about love, baby.
If there’s one thing I want you to take away from this it’s that you are not alone and that there is always someone out there. Whether you need to talk, vent or a shoulder to cry on, there is SOMEONE.
You are not alone.
Talk to you soon,
I don’t think it’s a coincidence that you stumbled across this post today. Everything happens for a reason, and I want to know yours.
Leave some love below so we can get to know each other.
If this post resonates with you and you’d like more information about depression and anxiety, check out the Anxiety and Depression Association of America for helpful resources and information.
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